The silent crowd that judges me
January 31, 2018
They were all looking at me, everyone of them, and they were already judging me. They knew on my past performance that this was going to be a big lead balloon, that I wouldn’t get it happening and that if I did it was going to be my biggest failure yet. I waited for some sign, some indication that even one of them was on my side. Not a sound. Not a wink. Not even one of them. They waited, my next step already firmly a failure in their minds. I watched and waited, poised to begin, even though no one was there. Even though I was alone.
We hear a lot about our Inner Critic and how to deal with them, that voice that tells us that we are no good, what we are making is no good and that we never will be any good. But what about our inner silent crowd? I have one. The crowd that never says a word but lives in humungous numbers in our minds - our ‘audience’. Like our inner critics, our Inner Audience does us no good at all.
Unlike our inner critic, our Inner Audience says nothing at all, they are always silent. But the expression on the their faces is as clear as the Inner Critics voice ever is - their faces say it all. The are shocked, disapproving, verging on disgusted, but the worst is that they are disappointed. Disappointed in my work and in me. They undermine me. They sap my confidence and my will continue creating. They make me want to hide under a blanket and lose myself in a good book (someone else’s creation that passed the test of the Inner Audience!).
My Inner Audience shows it’s huge silent heads when I put something ‘out there’. They are the imaginary friends my inner critic brings along. Recently I’ve been putting myself ‘out there’ and as I have my Inner Audience has grown. I recently launched Creating for Happiness, a free online program designed to build the habit of a daily creative practice. At the time of launch my Inner Audience knew for certain that what I was doing was going to fail, that instead of helping people I could harm them, but mostly that it was just plain wrong. I knew what they thought was that I should just crawl back to where I came from and keep everyone happy that way!
Why do we do this to ourselves? I guess, like all our unconscious programming seems to, it harks back to our hunter gather days when we needed to be fully aware of how we appeared to our community so we didn’t make mistakes that led to us being lost or outcast. Not useful when you are an artist creating in the 21st century!
For most of my life I’ve responded to this Inner Audience as though they truly represented my audience. I held exhibitions where only a few pieces sold. My Inner Audience had predicted this - I had seen it on their faces. ("We told you so!" their faces said.) I wrote blogs which had a lovely small readership which I stopped writing (My Inner Audience knew no one wanted to hear any of that). I shared and shared and shared on social media and the big crowds just didn’t show up. Or I thought they didn’t, was it just that my Inner Audience was so enormous they made the rest of us look small? My Inner Audience didn’t buy my work, read my blog or like my posts because they knew my creations were all failures. I was not a winner. I never would be. I probably should just give up. And they were very very disappointed in me.
Now I realise my Inner Audience is as harmful as my Inner Critic. I managed to banish my Inner Critic a while back. Did getting rid of him (my Inner Critic is male) allow him to morph and mutate into my Inner Audience? I don’t really think so. He was perhaps their spokesman, but they were always there. I’ll banish my Inner Audience too. I’m onto their game. I have developed a few strategies to fight my Inner Audience. Maybe you could try these when you feel judged by a crowd of people who simply aren’t there.
I have a firm idea of what it is I want and why I want it. I keep this nearby so I can refer to it when I’m feeling watched by my Inner Audience.
I recognise my Inner Audience for what it really is, an over protective parent who just wants to keep me safe from humiliation and public failure by enacting it beforehand. I thank them for their time and concern and assure them that I will survive even though I might be afraid.
I’m using the phrase that helped me banish my inner critic - “I’m better than that.” They get confused looks on their faces when I tell them that but they’re getting used to it!
I’m painting it out. I think any kind of creating will help too. I express the way they make me feel with paint and in the end see that there is something of value there, it’s not only the harsh judgement I thought it was. There is creative fuel there too.
I watch them when something good happens, when I sell a painting, when I get a grateful email from a Creating for Happiness participant and when people respond positively to what I’m putting ‘out there’. You’d think they’d show the opposite of disappointment, but they don’t. They disappear in a puff of I-don’t-belong-here smoke!
Being creative is usually an isolating activity. We work alone but we are never really alone in our minds. We have an Inner Audience. A big part of the creative process is showing others what you have made and putting yourself out there. So I did. I put myself out there and launched Creating for Happiness on January 1 this year. There was no cheer from my Inner Audience, no pat on the back or flowers from even one of them, as you would expect. In fact, they disappeared into a back room in my mind to regroup and reformulate their attack for the very next day, to stop me from continuing. What charmers they are!
I am creative being and I will share that no matter how big and judgey my Inner Audience becomes. Putting myself out there is always uncomfortable, scary and feels untethered, but I’m going to keep doing it.
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"Midnight morning", original mixed media painting by Jan AllsoppThis painting recently sold. Make sure to let me know if you are interested in a particular work so you don't miss out!